29. My name is Billy Wilder

My name is Billy Wilder. Because that’s what it says on the ID-card in my pocket. Sure, I’m 30 years younger than the guy on the picture and I don’t sport glasses either, nor was I born in Vienna. Hell, my German is spotty at best. But I am indeed the famed director of countless Hollywood classics like Some Like It Hot and Double Indemnity.

That deluded statement has of late gotten me into business class seats on many a flight. At first, I did it for a joke. A let’s see how far I can push this thing. Turns out: pretty far. It helped that the spotty guy on the budget liner’s front desk turned out to be a movie freak, despite not knowing Billy Wilder has been dead for over a decade now. He upgraded me in a heartbeat and I signed him my autograph. It looked nothing like the real one.

After a couple of similar experiences I was contemplating permanently condemning the ID-card I bought at an auction to my small but glorious movie memorabilia collection. It took a perky, cute stewardess to change my mind. The way she referred to me as Mr. Wilder while fluffing my pillow (not a euphemism) made my heart skip a beat, so I asked her out under my ‘nom the plume’ and one thing led to another. We embarked on a globetrotting whirlwind romance as she was turned on by my ‘movie director’ occupation.

When the time came for me to fess up – an inevitability alas – I was fully expecting a bourbon on the rocks in my face, spiked with industrial language. The bourbon stayed in the glass. Instead I got a cheeky reply.

“My name’s not Fran Kubelik either. If you’d been Billy Wilder, you’d have known that.”



Did you enjoy this story? Then why not try the 101 stories in 300 words or less in YOU’RE GETTING SLEEPY, THE HYPNOTIST’S APPRENTICE YAWNED.

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3 thoughts on “29. My name is Billy Wilder

  1. […] 300 Stories has another flash fiction piece that tickled me this week.  Since I started following there’s been something new every day, […]

  2. elainecanham says:

    Hi Dieter, I’m going to use this story too, if that’s ok, as an example for my creative writing class. (And, as before, I’ll put your link on the handout)

  3. William says:

    Bam! And that’s how you write a love story.

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