309. Don’t worry, we have abandoned anal probing long ago

“Don’t worry, we have abandoned anal probing long ago,” the alien comforted him.

Hogan breathed a sigh of relief. The first thing that had sprung to mind after the tractor beam had swooped him up from the corn field were those stories the National Inquirer ran about abductees and their ordeal.

Still, Hogan was not quite confident yet that the alien meant no harm. He was still lying on his belly on a cold operating table after all, his hands and feet firmly strapped to the sides to prohibit any movement.

“Why did you take me?” Hogan asked.

“Oh, we like Ohio,” the alien said. “You are a friendly people. Don’t make much fuss. Once we beamed up a New Yorker. Never again, I can tell you that. Never. Again.”

Hogan heard clattering metal but from his position could not make out what exactly caused the sound.

“You weren’t lying about the probing, were you?”

“Would an advanced race like ours really travel light years just to ram a rod up an Ohio farmer’s anus?”

The clattering continued.

“So why did you travel to Earth?”

“To test a theory.”

“What theory?”

“If I told you, that would ruin it.”

The sound of metal on metal. Again.

“About that anal probing…” he said.

“We’re not doing that, I told you.”

Hogan’s nerves weren’t settling, despite the alien’s soothing voice.

“Then what are you doing?”

“I can’t tell you.”

Yet more clattering. Hogan snapped.

“For the love of God, I think I’d actually prefer to have that probe up my ass!”

The alien smiled, turned towards his colleague and collected the hundred credits.

“Told you they actually like this,” he said as he prepared the big metal rod for insertion.

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14 thoughts on “309. Don’t worry, we have abandoned anal probing long ago

  1. ink2metal says:

    the best story yet!

  2. Haha! LOL funny. 🙂

    -RB

  3. jackiegmills says:

    What a first line LOL!

  4. kellygrow says:

    Haha, this made me laugh! 😀

  5. Skye Lansing says:

    I had to like this just for the title. God, it made me laugh when I really needed it. Thanks.

  6. Atikah says:

    Good God. Excellent story but… *shudder*

  7. Ginger says:

    Great story. Loved it.

  8. Lol – I read the story when you first published it, then again today. Every time I read it, I chuckle. Well played, sir!

  9. W. K. Tucker says:

    Love your short, twisted–for the most part–fiction, Dieter.
    By the way, I nominated you for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award. I know you probably don’t have the time to take part, but I wanted to nominate you because you are such an inspiration to so many of us here in the blogosphere. You proficiency at flash fiction is amazing.

  10. fenestrane says:

    Definitely the best first and last sentences I’ve read in a flash fic!

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