Stories 1 – 300

1. You fucking cunt
2. Go out and explore
3. The bird waddled
4. Thaxn
5. I love the things I hate about you
6. He kept his socks on
7. Shut the front door
8. I didn’t fuck our next-door neighbour’s teenage son
9. The isle loomed
10. Snow wreaked havoc on morning traffic
11. Eugenie Littlewhite mostly told the truth
12. An infernal storm raged inside Kevin’s head
13. Incoherent strumming
14. He looked down on humanity
15. Yet another Valentine’s Day without a boyfriend
16. Cherry buds were blooming
17. Vernon walks the wall vertically
18. The yellow custard smiled at you
19. So this priest tried to add me on Linked-In
20. You are the colour of the North
21. You’ll be sniffed out by the plants
22. The wall of ice crept towards the house.
23. These are your plug-in legs
24. The lump was benign
25. Game over. Or was it?
26. See you tomorrow
27. The time machine crashed halfway between Connecticut and the renaissance
28. Guillermo swooned over his new girlfriend
29. My name is Billy Wilder
30. I’ve made a huge mistake
31. The one-legged gunslinger
32. The marble statues were silent witnesses
33. I butted in on his date
34. The foul stench of murder overpowered her cheap perfume
35. Bring us to Beethoven and Chuck Berry
36. A woolly mammoth appeared on the pink chair
37. Quantum rules apply
38. As if
39. Tracking your every move since childhood
40. The atheist extremists league
41. Beelzebub was having a decidedly off-day
42. Songbook for the criminally insane
43. This is your dog?
44. Can I tell you in images?
45. The golf ball hits Jesper right between the eyes
46. I live in Hamlet
47. It was anyone’s guess where his cell-phone had disappeared to
48. Nothing a pinch of salt can’t fix
49. Gamma Seti was just a tiny dot
50. Do not draw their attention
51. Floppy shoes, a squirting flower and an assortment of red noses
52. The spandex hero was in hot pursuit
53. Rain swooped down on the festival like a biblical plague
54. Atop the ruins of the giant art deco building
55. Monogamy is a myth
56. The cog-men admired the craftsmanship
57. The wreck of the San Vincenzo
58. Send in the pussy whisperers
59. Do you believe in magic?
60. Squiggly letters
61. If life were a movie
62. Maybe you should become a woman
63. Dear Mary
64. Coon. Dink. Eyetie. Kraut. Nip. Raghead.
65. Terrible chat-up line number one
66. The blowfish chef
67. Math is fun
68. The city’s veins were congested
69. I should warn you, the box is empty
70. The egg hatched under the Arctic
71. Why not nuke Belgium?
72. Svetlana was now the richest person in the world
73. The toddler says ‘Dafydd’
74. Take a walk among the ghosts
75. The guy with the trapezoid hair
76. His writer’s block was 13 inches high
77. With a zoomph
78. How about Mykonos?
79. You are the best thing since sliced bread
80. The ditty was insufferable
81. The girl declared dead half an hour ago
82. Shameless self-promotion was George’s forte
83. You don’t like Sophie’s fiancée, do you, hon?
84. This be the account of my untimely death
85. Knock-knock
86. Quentin hated the king
87. Anastasia twirled the cyanide pill
88. Smoke. Asparagus. A hint of seaweed.
89. Godspeed
90. Flight 666 to HEL
91. The Sunday visit to mom
92. Whispering is a craft
93. Howdy, neighbour
94.  You can cure me, right?
95. The difference in appearance was so striking
96. You crave the numbness the alcohol provides
97. Themba took the moletrain
98. Haikus are easy
99. The company’s baseline read  ‘love your job’
100. She disembowelled the priest on the altar
101. Higher
102. Jésus
103. We’ve lost the Belgian contingent in the Sinai
104. The songs travelled in her suitcase
105. Reporting anything unusual won’t hurt you
106. The upside of loneliness
107. The invaders will return to annihilate us
108. Seventeen penalties
109. Its giant tentacles embraced the building
110. Svea had gotten used to the cold, though not to the coldness of Ragnar
111. Welcome to the poison squad
112. The day after the merger
113. Luckily the ice kept the bodies cold
114. An open and shut case
115. A hunter, lost in the woods
116. It’s all between the ears
117. The wormhole spat out the spaceship
118. She hesitated to go up to him
119. Here the séance turned violent
120. I think up words for a living
121. The withdrawal symptoms
122. I feel lemon
123. Swing for the fence
124. The Lunar detective
125. It hurts me to hurt her
126. Serge smiled dumbly
127. Olympic silver
128. The morbidity of the soul
129. Monsieur Stanley, je présume?
130. The MP for Islingworth
131. The return of the one-legged gunslinger
132. The rabbit’s stare
133. Big Ben tolled
134. The majority of the continent
135. The DNA left no room for interpretation
136. Blood spurted by the gallon
137. Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, you are on the train to…
138. The etiquette of eating
139. My name is Paul and I’m an addict
140. Ong Lek had been a very naughty Buddhist indeed
141. Ann was short
142. It is possible
143. Define the smell of happiness
144. One in five
145. So the dick is a deal-breaker?
146. They were eager to learn
147. I call it the sincerity machine
148. The weight of expectation
149. I invariably picked the back row
150. You forgot my snowflakes
151. The scissor-wielding street gang
152. The giraffe’s neck pushed through the foliage
153. Time Travel Inc. When can I help you?
154. Between the braids of hair nestled sand
155. In other news
156. The blood stains wouldn’t come out
157. Even if Dali and Magritte
158. The needle finds the right groove immediately
159. I first kissed her when I was eleven and she was ten
160. It was a dark and stormy night
161. Drink more. Eat more. Fuck more.
162. Impeachment is inevitable
163. Their entire world
164. When you’re waist-deep in shit and it’s not a metaphor
165. Dum-digge-dum-digge-dum-digge-dum
166. A mother, a widow, an heiress
167. Holiday nostalgia hits you in delay
168. The zebra rodeo
169. She had smuggled
170. Your vote will make a difference
171. Lollipop!
172. Explicit lyrics
173. A girl. Again.
174. Once upon a time there was a woodsman’s daughter
175. The curious walkway curves
176. Sax ad, noun
177. Lately, I recall my dreams again
178. The car hurls over the edge
179. One dead body, two dozen suspects
180. Limbo
181. Tomorrow there’ll be millions
182. Romcom for one
183. Zodwa
184. I hate
185. The floodlights give out
186. The dark beckons
187. Look, his first teeth
188. The human face is a wondrous tool
189. He’ll never amount to anything
190. The negro boy
191. Ain’t worth shit
192. Boo Boo Snicklefretz
193. Humanity’s fate
194. Kaiser Wilhelm
195. Coming up to fourteen minutes past the hour
196. If I hug you, will it warm you?
197. Throw in the towel, Bill
198. You are empty
199. Once the sands
200. If a bar
201. The hypnotic whirl
202. Drone 682 to spaceport twelve
203. Women with glasses are sexy
204. Who’s going to miss him?
205. The small record store
206. Marty the Moose sensed he was going to die
207. Your luminescent disposition
208. A physicist, a chemist and a priest
209. I have no-one to play with and that is nonsense
210. For centuries man had prayed for their Gods to descend. And now they had
211. I did it all by myself
212. The Tubular Alloy Steel Company
213. Her insomnia
214. Garbage spills
215. I saw her naked
216. Heads, she wins. Tails, I do.
217. The traffic light flashes to a lighter shade of grey
218. They were a rowdy bunch, this lot
219. Being born on the cobbled streets
220. There was an i in team
221. Never trust a man without eyebrows
222. A fondness of rhubarb
223. RUOK?
224. Despite all she’d been through, her shoes were still shining
225. She does yoga and calls it a sport
226. Death followed Martin around like a shadow
227. Two had gone before
228. The letter broke off abruptly after the words ‘I love you’
229. The black midget ref
230. My brain is open
231. The revenge of the one-legged gunslinger
232. The news from Baltimore arrived in a hearse
233. We need a five point one rating in metered markets, not a snowball’s chance in hell
234. I might love her
235. The labyrinth
236. The corruption of Alexandra
237. Across the mountain pass
238. You look thirsty, Pavel
239. Think of it as a miniature time machine
240. Monday
241. When insanity came knocking
242. All aboard!
243. A winnable war
244. On page 87 of the screenplay the actor died
245. Peek-a-boo!
246. Manitoba Lee
247. Each time a friend, a colleague, even a random stranger asked him a question
248. Life through a lens
249. So this is the afterlife
250. Certified bullshit
251. I didn’t remember who started the talk: I or the convict
252. None of the above
253. Rien ne va plus
254. His magnificent form started cracking
255. Scaling giants
256. Just blow the bloody fish to smithereens
257. You know what’s wrong with this meringue?
258. When the genius fucks up
259. His majesty’s gallows
260. Babi’s sugar intake
261. Now the crocodile is in his coffin
262. Objection overruled
263. My dalliance with the devil
264. How long has it been?
265. Punch the keys
266. The Polarians worshipped three gods
267. Suicide note
268. He’d promised them hope but all they saw in him was despair
269. The day after
270. The impenetrable safe
271. The lava lamp sold
272. Trust a Sikh and I fire a Jew
273. Gunsmoke
274. How queer, the pink elephant thought
275. Water had run out days ago
276. From the quagmire a creature arose
277. The jazz trumpet sounded blue
278. The autophagus
279. Damn your vertigo
280. After the gold rush
281. So, mister Smith, we meet at last
282. Hey, God
283. Between the noise a sentence hid
284. A neigh. A kick. Death.
285. Life on the riverboat
286. The beard must go
287. Uneasy lies one’s head
288. Inside the frame
289. Most of Machu Pichu
290. The eyes followed Cordelia around the room
291. The pothole gobbled up the front wheel, then spat it out again
292. I and the other sardines
293. The ninth floor of the Soviet State Library
294. The children all hauled a lumbering beast behind them
295. The jumbo jet
296. You’re getting sleepy
297. The blood didn’t curdle, it boiled
298. The radiation will kill you
299. You pestilent woman
300. And that, as they say, is it