Tag Archives: humour

83. You don’t like Sophie’s fiancée, do you, hon?

“You don’t like Sophie’s fiancée, do you, hon?”

He didn’t so he nodded. Helen put her wristwatch on the bedside table.

“But he seems such a nice boy. He is polite. He has manners. He even kept calling you sir when you told him Pat would be equally fine.”

“That is precisely why I don’t like him,” said Pat. “Don’t you find him… too perfect?”

“Is there such a thing?”

Damn right there is. Pat dunked the false teeth in the water. His tongue licked his upper gums.

“I think you’re just being grumpy. Your little girl is growing up and you can’t stand it.”

“She’s 29, Helen, for God’s sake. I should be relieved she’s finally getting wed!”

“So what’s your problem then?” Helen let the comforting warmth of the blanket embrace her.

“I can’t quite put my finger on it. But something is off. Did you watch him eating his asparagus?”

“He’d never had it before.”

“Exactly! Who has never eaten asparagus in this day and age?”

“Now you’re being silly, hon.”

Pat kissed his wife goodnight and put out the bedside light. He didn’t say a thing for a full minute. But he just couldn’t keep his opinion to himself till the next morning.

“You know, there are times you’d swear he was from another dimension.”

He was. And marrying the most eligible girls in America was just the first phase in his race’s plans to enslave Earth.

 

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82. Shameless self-promotion was George’s forte

Shameless self-promotion was George’s forte even though he had no need for it. After all, he wàs a 500-pound gorilla with the power of speech and a published thriller under his belt. Yet he loved to beat his own drum. Unfortunately not in a charming way. He was relentless.

Take for example the events of August. He had hopped into the local bookshop to buy a reference book for his next project when he noticed a young girl checking out his first novel. The gorilla immediately dropped what he was doing and positioned himself in the aisle next to the thriller section.

“Excuse me, sir, you don’t happen to have ‘The Origin of Man’ by George Silverback in stock?” he said, loud enough for the girl to overhear.

Then, in a higher  voice: “Why yes, I think we do.”

Back to the original timbre now. “I just ask because I was told it had sold out.”

“It usually ís sold out. It is a great novel after all. But yesterday we received a new batch from the publisher. I would hurry though. It wouldn’t surprise me if it were to sell out again by tomorrow.”

The gorilla subtly peered over the aisle to gage the girl’s reaction. She hesitated briefly, took another look at the back cover, but finally decided she would buy the book.

George leaned over a bit further to see the girl paying for his novel. A bit too far. The bookcase could not sustain his weight and with a loud bang toppled, tipping over the one next to it, which in turn topple a third bookcase.

All eyes in the store were on George now, but the gorilla didn’t care.

Another book sold, was all he thought, as he congratulated himself by vigorously pounding his chest.

 

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79. You are the best thing since sliced bread

“You are the best thing since sliced bread,” he said, kissing her.

“Better than television?”

He loved the small screen. It  was a wonder of engineering, a groundbreaking device that had changed the world and the way we communicate. And its invention had occurred after the advent of sliced bread – they checked: bread had first been sliced in 1926. So in all honesty he could no longer say his girlfriend was the best thing since sliced bread.

“You’re the best thing since television,” he corrected, once again kissing her.

“Better than the polio vaccine?”

Well, no, obviously not. The polio vaccine was way better than she was. It had diminished the amount of suffering in the world immensely. His girlfriend, so far, had not.

“You’re the best thing since the polio vaccine then.”

“Better than the hybrid car?”

He pondered for a moment, then just said “You’re the best”, even though by now he realised she wasn’t.

 

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73. The toddler says ‘Dafydd’

The toddler says ‘Dafydd’. It’s the third word he has ever uttered, after the inevitable ‘mom’ and ‘dad’.

Dafydd is moved by this. He is a proud godfather and tries to visit his sister’s son as often as he can.  And this is the cherry on the cake.

 

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69. I should warn you, the box is empty

“I should warn you, the box is empty.”

“Not much of a birthday present then.”

“Hey, I asked you what you wanted and you said you didn’t want anything.”

 

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65. Terrible chat-up line number one

Terrible chat-up line number one: are you free tonight or will it cost me?

That one lands me a gin tonic in the face. Note to self: never start with a prostitute reference. Surely the night can only improve from here on in?

So I walk over to the dance floor and make my move on a busty brunette shaking her bubble-butt. Our eyes connect and at the end of the song she follows me to the bar where I correctly guess she’s in the mood for a cosmo. Words have not been uttered up to that point. Just glances that imply that if I play my cards right I get lucky.

Enter terrible chat-up line number two. I’m new in town, can you give me directions to your apartment?

Clearly unimpressed by my improv skills the brunette finishes the cosmo in a single chug. This is getting more pathetic by the minute.

I’m willing to throw in the towel when I overhear the macho next to me hitting on a redhead.

“Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?”

It is a terrible, terrible chat-up line. The third of the evening but at least it’s not me saying it. Yet the redhead plunges her tongue into his mouth, grabs his hand and guides him to the exit.

“Wow! I can’t believe that worked!” I stammer to myself.

“She’s a slut,” explains a voice next to me. “She’d made up her mind before he said a thing.”

The voice belongs to an elegant blonde with bright blue eyes that beg for a witty reply.

“A shame the same trick won’t work on you then,” I say.

The blonde smiles. She’s made up her mind.

 

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55. Monogamy is a myth

“Monogamy is a myth,” the groom said. His six brides nodded in unison, though only five meant it.

Shirley might have just married ‘Many Wives Marc’, she didn’t believe in his views. To her mind each woman should only have sex with one man at a time and vice versa. She was a hopeless romantic in that regard.

Obviously that wasn’t going to happen on wedding night. Marc would first have his way with Andrea, then Camille, Julie, Nathalie, Sarah and finally herself. An alphabetical orgy. Each bride, when the groom was banging another of his wives, would in turn fuck one of their own lovers. Each bride but Shirley.

So by the time Marc had made his way to her bedroom and put on his sixth rubber of the evening she asked him the question that had been pinballing though her mind for what seemed like ages.

“Can we be exclusive?”

He answered yes.

After all, he’d just fulfilled his lifelong dream to fuck six brides in one night and he was pretty sure he’d catch a VD if this polygamous arrangement persisted.

Whoever said romance is dead?

 

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53. Rain swooped down on the festival like a biblical plague

Rain swooped down on the festival like a biblical plague. The sudden violent shower scattered the audience across the soggy terrain, looking for shelter under trees, tents and each other’s raincoats. Lightning haphazardly lit up their shivering faces. With each booming burst of thunder their heart skipped another beat, as they embraced their friends and kept a suspicious eye on the rapidly rising water on the meadow.

At the main stage the heavy metal band continued their set.

Here’s one from our first album, the lead singer growled.

It’s called Apocalypse.

 

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45. The golf ball hits Jesper right between the eyes

The golf ball hits Jesper right between the eyes and for a moment he suspects he’s dead. No such luck alas. He’ll probably have to settle for a severe concussion and this exceedingly painful bump.

Try again, he yells at the guy in the baggy pants at the other side of the driving range on the off-chance he might not think him a lunatic. Use a driver this time!

But the guy calls the police instead and Jesper, still wearing nothing but a sock on his privates, trudges off the range.

Tomorrow is another day, he tells himself. Another chance to achieve his goal of making the Wikipedia list of unusual deaths.

Little does he know he’ll croak of a common heart attack that night.

 

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40. The atheist extremists league

The atheist extremists league were officially called the Guardians Of Deity-free Society though for obvious acronymical reasons they never wholly adopted that moniker in public. The group first caught the public’s attention with their ‘Die, fidel, die’ campaign in the early sixties, a needlessly confusing name that according to recently declassified documents played no small part in Fidel Castro granting permission to station Soviet rockets on Cuba.

 

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