Tag Archives: satire

80. The ditty was insufferable

The ditty was insufferable at the best of times, let alone sung by a tone-deaf American tourist. Over and over and over again. That’s why the Thai police looked compassionately on the murderer as they led her from the neon karaoke bar. She probably would not get a lethal injection. As in the song, her heart would go on.

 

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Did you enjoy this story? Then why not try the 101 stories in 300 words or less in YOU’RE GETTING SLEEPY, THE HYPNOTIST’S APPRENTICE YAWNED.

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41. Beelzebub was having a decidedly off-day

Beelzebub was having a decidedly off-day. Hell was having its coldest winter in eons, his most recent plan to enslave humankind was temporarily put on the backburner due to budget overruns and now it transpired that Jesus Christ’s comeback tour was outselling his own Hellzapoppin’ extravaganza by a considerable margin. Normally the evil overlord would counter his mounting depression with some mindless sadistic torture but all the fun had been sucked out of that since Hell had been overrun with lawyers all too willing to countersue.

Walking amid the furnaces he contemplated throwing in the towel. Running Hell wasn’t the great job it once had been. How he longed for the days when he didn’t have to fight unions on a daily basis, the Catholic Church could still be counted on to reach its quota of heretics and any harm he inflicted on his tortured souls didn’t seem peanuts compared to the Patriot Act.

A couple of centuries ago he had almost handed over the reins to Hell to his eldest son, but he’d backtracked at the last minute and fed him to the dogs instead. If he hadn’t done that someone else could have sorted out this bloody mess while the Prince of Darkness sipped hot lava in the porn actress section of the underworld. Maybe he should call it a day, Beelzebub pondered. See how they’ll like that.

So the next morning he officially resigned from his post, packed his bags and was never seen again. After a brief period of confusion and turmoil, an accountancy firm acquired a controlling majority of the underworld and put forward plans to cut costs, maximise profits and increase brand recognition among Hell’s residents. As Beelzebub had foreseen in his cunning move, the place would never be more insufferable.

 

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Did you enjoy this story? Then why not try the 101 stories in 300 words or less in YOU’RE GETTING SLEEPY, THE HYPNOTIST’S APPRENTICE YAWNED.

Available at the Createspace Store, at amazon.com, amazon.co.uk or any other Amazon store in your territory.  E-book is also available.

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21. You’ll be sniffed out by the plants

You’ll be sniffed out by the plants, the inspector told Lupe, before shoving her into the greenhouse and locking the door behind her. Lupe took an apprehensive first step. Her eyes darted around the glass house, which was populated by hundreds of exotic plants. There was just one bald spot: the place where the rare hammer orchid had snuffed it.

“You think they’ll recognize her?” the cop asked his superior.

“They always do,” the inspector smiled as he lifted his sunglasses from his eyes.

Indeed, as Lupe tiptoed across the greenhouse, a bustling murmur arose. The plants curved their branches and leaves ever so slightly. They all seemed to be pointing subtly towards the young woman who tried to keep her cool but broke down anyway.

“Yes,” she yelled from the top of her lungs. “It was me! I cut down the hammer orchid. I confess.”

She fell to her knees, sobbing, a broken woman.

On the other side of the TV-screen, a mother and her two sons reached simultaneously towards the big bucket of popcorn nestled between them on the couch, gripped by the story unfolding before their eyes.

CSI: Greenhouse looked to be yet another hit for the network.

 

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Did you enjoy this story? Then why not try the 101 stories in 300 words or less in YOU’RE GETTING SLEEPY, THE HYPNOTIST’S APPRENTICE YAWNED.

Available at the Createspace Store, at amazon.com, amazon.co.uk or any other Amazon store in your territory.  E-book is also available.

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